Myths of Parenting - You Never Knew Before
Myths of Parenting
1. Myth. Parents shouldn't fight in front of their children.
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| Md. Lutful Huda |
2. Myth. Children should never watch their parents argue.
Fact. Many of us mistakenly assume that children are irreparably harmed by witnessing their parents' disagreements. We have a fantasy that denial is beneficial, that if kids aren't exposed to anger or bitterness. But children need good models for how to deal with angry feelings. "Arguing is a healthy part of any relationship. By being able to disagree in a loving way and not hiding it from your children, you're teaching them how to resolve conflicts in a healthy way." Never allow fights to become emotionally or physically abusive, and never fight about the children in front of them.
3. Myth. Respond to every misbehavior of your kids with a firm hand.
Fact. It is simply not possible to respond to every misbehavior with a firm hand, given the variables of situation, mood. The ever changing roster of annoying behaviors children acquire as they grow. So it's reassuring to hear that at least one discipline expert doesn't think you have to.
4. Myth. Giving bribe to children Is not good.
Fact. Giving kids privileges or rewards as a positive consequence for behavior isn't necessarily a bad thing. The word "bribery" makes such an incentive sound worse than it actually is. Of course, if every situation holds the promise of a reward for good behavior, your children will turn into monsters. If you start bribing in order to get cooperation for simple things—being polite to a grown up, putting shoes on—you'll get to the point where they won't make a move without the promise of a candy bar or money. So first, try employing positive yet reward free logic to achieve results. Turn to bribery should be the last resort. Keep in mind that the reward can be non material and include special privileges, such as having lunch at Daddy's office or taking a trip to the zoo.
5. Myth. Give importance to your Kids' needs.
Fact. You should be devoted to your children which generally the parents do. Just as it's your job to make sure that your child gets proper nutrition, enough sleep, social interaction, and mental stimulation. Remember that you need all those things as well. As such you should give importance to your kids need ahead of your own business.
6. Myth. You should treat all your children the same.
Fact. Being evenhanded with your kids and not favoring one over the other is a good thing. When accusations of inequity arise over such trivial matters as popsicle color or window seats, you can treat all your children the same. By directing them to take turns (You can sit by the window on the flight. On the way back, your brother can sit there). You give them the feeling of equitable treatment. But fairness doesn't always mean sameness. Giving an older child more privileges or responsibilities than a younger one is unequal treatment that's still fair. Giving more time to a child who has special difficulty is okay.
7. Myth. Children Need "Quality Time".
Fact. The phrase "quality time" was originally meant to reassure working parents—who had fewer hours with their kids in any given week than their stay-at-home counterparts—that what matters. It is not the amount of time you spend but the quality of that time. Any time you spend with your kids is quality time. Kids need downtime or unscheduled hanging-out time with their parents, as well as "focused time" when parents are really paying attention. When people hear 'quality time', they envision a family meeting in which everyone talks about their day and their feelings. Cuddling together on the kids' beds before sleep—downtime can beget moments of connection, joy, and even intimacy.
8. Myth. If your kids aren’t happy, something is very wrong.
Fact. In our culture, there’s a strong emphasis on happiness. So if your kids aren’t happy most of the time or in certain situations, parents start to worry. But it’s normal and healthy for kids to feel lots of highs and lows. But as parents you should take care of their happiness.
9. Myth. Parents should tell their kids 'no'.
Fact. Setting limits teaches kids various skills and helps them to feel safe. Saying 'no' doesn’t hurt and is fine, as long as it’s not said in an aggressive or hostile tone. The context is way more important than the actual word. Helpful limit setting include suspending your teen’s cell phone privileges because they went over their minutes is alright.
10. Myth. Good parenting is about good strategies.
Fact. Instead of a particular parenting strategy, what’s more important, is the parents’ mindset that is how they think, feel and interact with the world. Self confident parents tend to raise self-confident kids. Parents who have healthy relationships tend to raise kids in a proper way. Parents who believe in effort leading to positive results and perseverance after failure tend to have kids who are resilient and hopeful. We have feelings. We cannot script our feelings, regardless of how hard we try. If you are going through a difficult time with your child or if your child is permanently difficult, it may be hard to really enjoy them. It doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you. It doesn’t mean you are a terrible parent. It just means you are human. Not every moment is going to be rainbows and butterflies.
11. Myth. Parenting has to be stressful and chaotic.
Fact. Television shows, movies, and magazines seem to be driving this message home constantly. We see images of overwhelmed and exhausted parents everywhere. This seems to be the reality and so we just buy into it and become one of those busy, stressed parents ourselves. This is a myth though. If certain tools are learned and used, and if we live our lives more slowly and with routine, our lives with family can be absolutely magical and peaceful.
12. Myth. The more you do, the better parent you are.
Fact. Rushing around, taking your children to lessons and practices does not make you a great parent. Giving your children love, one-on-one time and creating and participating in family traditions does. Being a great parent also means allowing your child to have down time and loads of time to play. It is here that your children learn, problem solve and are able to be physically healthy.
13. Myth. You have to love playing with your children.
Fact. Spending quality time with your child is important but many parents have been made to feel guilty that they do not enjoy participating in child like play. Children and adults play differently. Sometimes parents may not like. So, choose something you love to do and share it with your child. Children Love to see what their parents like doing and often want to participate. Interacting them with care and love is most important.
14. Myth. Don't use the word 'discipline” instead of “managing child’s behaviors.
Fact. The word discipline comes from the word disciple, which means 'learner'. Our children are the learners in our family along with us, of course, as we are all constantly learning. It is our job to teach and guide our children through each stage of their lives, using our values and experience. Getting caught up on a word just shifts the focus from what is important . Teaching our kids how to have self discipline, to be kind, and to feel good about themselves.
15. Myth. The more talking and explaining you do, the more your child will do the right thing.
Fact. This is a myth because children, particularly from the ages of 2-7 are concrete learners and do not have an understanding of logic and reasoning. They need simple sentences that they can follow and concrete experiences that they can understand. Any long lecture just goes in one ear and out the next. Simplicity is what works best, then adding more talking and explaining as they grow older and can actually comprehend what is being said.
16. Myth. Letting your child struggle or get upset is bad parenting.
Fact. It is not easy to watch our children struggle or be upset always. It is necessary at times and actually helps our children learn how to do new things and as a result feel good about themselves. We know that the only way our children learn anything is to practice and practice, and that along with the practicing, there will be some frustration. Once they do master something, they will feel great about themselves and this is the time to jump in and give them a high five, a hug and attention. We know everything you do, you learn, you experience is changing your brain. Another important point is that increased difficulty, increased struggle if you practice, you learn more and greater structural changes takes place in our brain. Taking this experience of practice and mastery away from our children robs them of having confidence in themselves, the ability to be resilient and the feeling that they are capable.
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Prepared by Major (R) Md. Lutful Huda, presently Chairman of TIDAC and Dreamwork Limited, Chief Editor of 'Crime and Judgement' Magazine
Prepared by Major (R) Md. Lutful Huda, presently Chairman of TIDAC and Dreamwork Limited, Chief Editor of 'Crime and Judgement' Magazine
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